I’ve realized that much of what I do is driven by embarrassment and humiliation. Because I’m so often embarrassed by mistakes I make, my lack of grace, or just looking foolish, I seem to feel the need to do something to make up for such events; something that requires exceptional skill, effort, and time to counteract the awkward, humiliating moments for which I’m responsible.
The awful part is that in these attempts to do something exceptional, the likelihood that I’ll fall on my face is high. I suppose it’s a good thing that I’m a writer, then, because I can take my time and work toward creating a piece that will (with any luck) make me feel at least marginally better about being a dork.
The road between where I am and where I want to be is long, steep, uphill, narrow, and flanked by sheer drop-offs, but it’s one I'm compelled to travel. It’s completely irrational thinking that there’s some sort of balance between the inflation and wounding of pride that needs to be maintained, but it’s something that is inextricable from my mind. I’m sure I’m not alone in this ridiculous pursuit, so please let me know what you think and whether you’ve experienced anything like what I’ve described.